Construction Fireplace, August 8, 2015 @ 0331 Hours
I saved pawing at my masks like there was a darkish fog that I might wipe away. It didn’t, and each few toes I’d scrub my glove throughout it anyway. I married my proper hand to the partitions so I wouldn’t get misplaced. Used my left to pull the nozzle and hose alongside the ground as I crawled, sweeping my arm out to really feel for our bodies. I turned on my flashlight and it did nothing and wished to shut my eyes however didn’t. It’s extra enjoyable when they’re closed, virtually meditative. However I wanted them open in case there was any blink or fuzz of flame, any trace of the hearth. When they’re open, it’s the night time with out stars compressing into your face. Really easy to get misplaced. Dizzy listening to each labored breath choked down by the regulator. And the home is so sizzling that it appears like you might be squirming in a burning cocoon that you’ll die in. Wings, tucked in opposition to your sides. There isn’t a turning away. That is the way you feed your loved ones. That is how you might be paid.
After we first arrived on the scene, a neighbor woman out entrance screamed at us that the household by no means got here out and each vehicles had been within the driveway. A person, girl, and six-year-old boy who all had bedrooms within the second story. My coronary heart was already looking for a approach out of my physique with out her saying that. It was at my temples, knocking in opposition to the straps of my masks. With the quantity of black smoke puffing out of the eaves and joints of the home, I knew they had been lifeless. She nagged on and on about how we would have liked to rush the fuck up and that it regarded like we didn’t know what we had been doing.
“Is that this novice hour?” She requested as she stood toes away.
She mentioned another bullshit I tuned out whereas I threw on my BA, grabbed the nozzle, pulled the hose to the entrance door, paused for the water to fill it, and thought of how shortly I would want to seek out every physique and get it out, how shortly I would want to seek out the steps and navigate them in the dead of night, drag every physique down them, then return inside and do it repeatedly. However even whereas I bumped my approach by furnishings I wished to return exterior, blast her with a straight stream, knock her on her ass, and say, it’s 3 a.m. bitch and I’ve to remain calm to do my job and you aren’t serving to. However as an alternative I felt round for our bodies, for hearth, for something dwelling moreover the darkness. My neck and ears began to sting. And as I smashed my physique nearer to the ground to get somewhat aid from the warmth, I might hear that woman scream over the hiss and match of the hearth consuming.
“Do one thing,” she burned. “Something.”
“Sizzling sufficient for you?” I choked out of my regulator, sounding like Darth Vader. “Fuck, this sucks.”
New man didn’t reply.
“New man, I’m your father,” I laughed and inched my approach alongside the ground. “Shut that entrance door so we don’t have to listen to her.”
I made it inside what felt like a number of hundred toes and tried pulling the hose and it wouldn’t go any additional. I paused for a second and advised myself to take a deep breath, pulled the hose once more and it didn’t transfer. I adopted it again to the entrance door, which solely ended up being about 15 toes, and was greeted by new man sitting on it. It was pinned in opposition to the doorframe. I bumped him off the hose and he fell onto his again.
“What the fuck? Pull hose a minimum of,” I mentioned and pulled the hose from exterior and coiled two massive loops contained in the doorway. “Your regulator isn’t even linked.”
“I caught my head into the doorway and misplaced you. I couldn’t see something,” new man mentioned as he made his approach again onto all fours.
I unclipped his regulator from his BA belt and stuffed it into his masks then twisted it into place, tweaking his head till it clicked and heard an inhale and the breath out.
Captain Diaz was on the radio speaking to the command middle, chopping the facility to the residence, checking the pump panel, and cussing on the neighbors to remain again as they pointed on the home like we couldn’t see that it was on hearth or one thing.
“Simply comply with the hose. It isn’t that arduous,” I unclicked my regulator to seize just a few actual breaths of air, reconnected it, and went again inside. I didn’t know if new man was following me or not and wasn’t going to attend both approach. I discovered the hearth within the kitchen, and it went out simple. I circled to point out him how little water was wanted. I waved my arm behind me to really feel for him and known as, however he wasn’t there, or was too afraid to reply. I discovered a door and it opened as much as the yard. I slid out onto filth and left the door open so the home might slowly away from smoke and I might take a fast break exterior earlier than I had to return in and search for our bodies. I patted myself to verify I used to be nonetheless all there. Smoke shot out of the pockets of my pants and coat with every smack of my gloves in opposition to them. I took off my helmet, masks, and gloves. They steamed on the bottom. I felt my ears and neck for any harm. They had been nonetheless there. My helmet regarded black, but it surely was darkish out, so I turned on my flashlight and swept it over every merchandise. My helmet was virtually charcoal coloured. I wiped it with my glove and it didn’t come off.
There isn’t a turning away. That is the way you feed your loved ones. That is how you might be paid.
I believed I heard whispers and guffawing just a few toes away. I raised my gentle throughout the yard and located the household huddled within the again nook of the property about 20 toes from me. As I moved the sunshine throughout their our bodies it shook and glitched them. They held one another weeping. I didn’t wish to see that. So, I gathered my stuff and began to maneuver to the facet yard.
“Is everyone out?” I requested earlier than leaving.
“Did you discover my canine?” the little boy requested. “His title is Cocoa. He’s brown and little.”
He held out his arms to point out me the scale and saved them there like he was nonetheless holding the canine, or he was ready for me to go discover it and put it there. It was the scale of a softball. So small and unbelievable.
“No, however I’ll go look,” I mentioned. My gentle handed by his arms and made his physique a tall shadow on the filth behind him. I moved to the facet yard, which was a six-foot-wide pathway. I used to be exhausted and simply wished to take a break.
I might hear Cap yelling within the entrance yard at new man to go inside and discover me. After which he regarded across the nook of the home and shined his gentle on my hunched over steaming physique.
“You good B?” Cap mentioned after which laughed. “I despatched new man to go search for you.”
“Fireplace’s out,” I circled. Sweat poured off my head and into my eyes. I might have been crying if I wished and no one would have recognized any distinction. “The household is again right here too. They’re alive.”
“Copy,” he smiled. It turned his mustache from a frown that framed his mouth to a straight line throughout his higher lip. His helmet sat up to now down on his head that it pushed his sun shades midway down his nostril. “Do they want any medical consideration?”
“No, they’re wonderful.”
“You good?”
“I mentioned I used to be.”
New man got here out of the facet door and kneeled down subsequent to me and took his helmet and masks off too. His helmet yellow and glossy within the barely lit night time. The reflectors glowed.
“Right here you guys are. Taking a break with out me,” new man mentioned.
We didn’t snort.
“Seems prefer it was somewhat sizzling in there B.” Cap stared at my helmet, shortly holding the sunshine over it after which over new man’s helmet, and again once more. “Now that’s a memento. It appears like your masks melted too. Good work.”
“It wasn’t that dangerous,” new man shrugged.
“You may be out of service, B.” Cap shook his head with a smile.
“I’ll take the remainder of the night time off.”
“In your desires.”
The opposite Paradise engines arrived, and the crews hustled like there was nonetheless a hearth to place out. Cap went up entrance to temporary them. New man grabbed his helmet and masks and chased after him.
My break was over, and I used to be able to go search for their canine, however knew I wouldn’t discover it alive anyway. I had by no means discovered an animal alive. I’ve been despatched to search for canine, cats, birds, and even snakes. Throughout one among my searches in one other construction hearth just a few years in the past I got here throughout a big canine and dragged it out prefer it was a human. It felt human. I believed it was. Then I did compressions and mouth to snout resuscitation within the probability I might deliver it again, for the household after all, so I did all the pieces I might. After we received again to the station the opposite firefighters requested if I used to be into bestiality. I advised them that I had mistaken the canine for his or her wives or girlfriends and that the canine was really hotter and didn’t put out as simple. They didn’t like that.
I went again into the home and regarded round within the traditional spots the place I had discovered pets. I picked up the mattress and field springs and shoved them in opposition to the wall. I searched the walk-in closet the place all the garments had fallen onto the bottom as a result of the warmth melted the plastic hangers. I gently dug and dug by garments and it was there, within the nook, prefer it was making an attempt to claw a approach by the wall to get exterior. Its small nails barely made a mark on the wall. The physique swollen and limp, tongue hanging out the facet of the mouth. I discovered somewhat blanket and softly wrapped it, coated its face, mouthed just a few phrases for under it and me to listen to, carried it exterior and didn’t open the blanket for them, didn’t say a phrase, simply held it out as an providing they usually turned away crying. I took off my turnout coat and laid it down on the bottom by a big western redbud, lowered the canine slowly on my coat. New man lastly discovered his method to the yard. It was beginning to get gentle lastly.
“Go get a shovel and get again right here,” I mentioned. “And hurry up.”
“For what?” he requested together with his regulator linked and on air.
“Stroll these individuals to the entrance of the home, too.”
The household adopted new man to the entrance of their burned home. The surface was nonetheless standing, however most all the pieces inside was destroyed by warmth and smoke. After they walked previous they scanned my lengthy arms stuffed with tattoos and stared at my shaved head. The boy studied the wings of my Chickasaw medication fowl, adopted the feathers that ended at my wrists. He raised his head to see the Lord God Fowl’s white beak open, resting in opposition to the facet of my neck to sing behind my proper ear. The boy’s head tilted again, the best way the ghost fowl was meant to be worshiped. He stood there for a second, together with his mouth open.
Perhaps they had been mad at me for making them depart, however I used to be additionally mad at them for not saving their canine. How might they neglect it? They didn’t deserve to observe me and my ceremony. This wasn’t the primary pet I had buried, however they couldn’t have recognized. I didn’t need that loneliness. I knew it doesn’t assist anybody for them to be round whereas I bury. It isn’t closure to observe me dig. To observe me soften filth with every push of the shovel. To observe me attempt to attempt to not take heed to their unhappiness.
When new man lastly got here again, I advised him to dig. Though it was a small gap, we took turns. We buried collectively. And when that gap was lastly stuffed again in we took our gloves off and patted the filth softly.
“Is that this actual?” new man requested.
“I don’t know.” I checked out him. “We had been asleep a couple of minutes in the past. I do not forget that. And now I feel we’re right here. However that’s all I bear in mind.”
Cap didn’t play any music on the best way again to the station. He scrolled by pics of canine on his cellphone whereas he drove.
“What was the canine’s title?” Cap requested with a crack in his voice.
“Cocoa,” I mentioned.
“Fuck, that’s a cute title.” Cap held one knee in opposition to the wheel to steer and wiped at his face.
“I didn’t signal as much as bury canine,” new man mentioned.
“If it’s not canine, it’s one thing else. So get used to it.”
He’ll see it. How good it’s to bury issues this manner. To go away all the pieces suspended with that canine someplace in the dead of night stomach of this earth sleeping.
Ibe Liebenberg is an enrolled citizen of the Chickasaw Nation. He lives in Chico, California and works as a firefighter, and a lecturer at Chico State College. He’s a latest graduate from the MFA program on the Institute of American Indian Arts in each poetry and fiction. He has been printed in Poetry Journal, The ThreePenny Overview, Ecotone, North American Overview, Beloit Poetry Journal, Sugar Home Overview, American Journal of Poetry, and Blackbird, and was a finalist for the 2023 and 2024 James Welch Poetry Prize in Poetry Northwest. His poetry assortment Birds at Evening was printed by Texas Tech College Press (March 2025) and is winner of the Sowell Rising Writers Prize.
Header photograph by Maxi Gaspero, courtesy Shutterstock.
